Saturday, March 11, 2017
We live in an American Society where grandparents are raising children. The adults that give birth too these children need to wake the fuck up. Time runs out on all things. While actively using I took a 3 year break on raising my daughter. The first 3 years of her life. I turned down cutting the umbilical cord , I was afraid if I did I would have to own up to being a Father. I cried that day, not for her new life. But rather I thought my life was over. My child's first sentence was at 1. We were at a park and I was walking her around the wooden maze holding her hand. It was time to leave and just as I handed her over to her Mother she said, " Daddy, don't leave"! I cried immediately and left again soon after that.
I came to a point of homelessness in 2010 . I had lost rights to see my daughter once again and I had enough. I missed her from all the missed time I had given up. I could turn around and say that drugs were the reason but that would only be somewhat true. Drugs are solution , I am the problem. I was selfish. Selfish to not use condoms, selfish to think it would be o.k. to run around impregnating women and ask for an abortion later, and selfish enough to think it was o.k. to get high while having my daughter around me. As long as I could get high then I could be Super Dad. It was bullshit. I just didn't want to stop getting high and parenting was getting in the way of what I felt I deserved.
Getting high is very easy and very enjoyable. Being a parent is very difficult with moments of joy, mixed with a sense of responsibility to raise the life you created right. It is our responsibility and no other. So stop delegating your parental duties to those who have done their job. I had to learn that and continue to. I have made many mistakes since getting clean as a parent. The one constant in my life and in my child's today is my willingness to never quit on her again. I owe it to my Recovery and the halls of Alcoholics Anonymous. If it wasn't for them showing me a strength I never thought possible, which was to stay away from a drink and drug one day at a time. I would have failed long ago. Parenting for me goes hand in hand with letting go of those things in my life to which I place before my child.