Addiction, Pig Farms, & Recovery

     

  As soon as I got off the greyhound the sun had hit my face and I could hardly breathe. It was the middle of August in South Florida. It felt like a wet quilt wrapped around my face. Once again I was on the run from my drug addiction and violation of probation. I had reached out to a friend and let them know that I was on the  streets of South Florida with absolutely no place to go and no direction in my life. Through multiple channels they got me into a sober house in West Palm. The owners of the house were pretty chill along with the House Manager. It was a week or so into me being there when all hell broke loose.  I was sitting across the street watching chaos follow me and unfold. The ATF had kicked in the door adajecent to the house that I was actually in. They were looking for me but had the wrong address. Similar to the way a movie unfolds the chase was on. I was afraid and did not know why they were after me. I finally called one of the agents after being urged by a Recovery Coach my friend he had put me in  contact with that worked over at 4D Recovery. We eventually cleared that up with the ATF. What had happened was a friend of mine I had grown up with was on the run for a serious offense. He had messaged me on Facebook 2 months before. They were seeking me out wondering if I had any clue where he was. I did not and after about 4 hours of questioning  and a major panic attack they let me go.
        Immediately I booked a bus trip back up to Massachusetts. I was done with Florida. I wanted to go see my son. First things first though. I had to get high. Trapped in a hamster wheel promising myself I will always do right by my family, friends, and loved ones right after I get high. So many broken promises the minute the needle hits my vein. I forget quickly, the world becomes distorted and I have no desire to be around people who are not in the same boat. At these moments I don't believe they would understand. Plus I convince myself that I'm not hurting anyone but me. Which is I know now is an absolute lie. The truth today is that I effect and hurt everyone around me when I am lost in these moments that turn into years quickly. I never managed to see my son and after getting into more trouble I fled back down to Florida. Quickly I saw that my cross country tours were wearing thin on everybody including myself. Within a month and half I had taken the greyhound up and down from Massachusetts to Florida six times.
       A friend of mine in a halfway house in South Florida had mentioned that there was a Christian Community in Atlanta, Georgia. Without thinking twice I fled for Atlanta. Hoping something would set me straight. Soon as I got out there I quickly realized the biggest problems from being on the Pig Farm. No drugs and No Alcohol. I gave it about a week and fled back to Massachussetts with quick stop in Fayetlville , NC. I was starving and phoned a friend in Massachusetts asking him if he could order Dominoes and have it delivered to the bus stop. Of course my friend with patience and love bought the pizza but not before he had his usual talk with me about getting sober, staying sober, and then eventually working my Recovery. He had been down this road before and was coming up on 5 years clean. When you are lost and struggling and you hear these messages of hope you think its inspiring and wish it true for you. Your reality lies to you and tells you different. It will tell you its meant for them and not you so why bother. If you are struggling don't listen to this message your conscious tells you. Its a lie and took me a decade to figure it out.
       There are many people you meet along the way some you wish to never meet again and others you have no choice but to thank God for. My sponsor and my mentor are two that I am grateful for and wish to remember for as long as my life permits me to. My mentor came through the same connection at 4D Recovery. He had introduced us. He owned his own business and had a large Recovery Community and housing for new guys like me. He told me I could stay here for the first month  if I promised to work as well as help out around the complex. With no hesitation I said yes. I was jammed up and homeless . My choices were very limited and I had burnt about every bridge along the way to get here. I started to be apart of something and felt apart of finally. There were people with different amounts of sobriety from all over the country with a million stories just like mine some even crazier. We were all there from various struggles but finally I had the same common goal as those that were well around me. To get my life back that drugs and alcohol had taken from me.
      My sponsor I had met years back in prison when we were cellmates. Shortly after we both got out we lost track of each other until once again we met 1500 miles away from our home in Massachusetts in the sunny state of Florida. We had our consequences holding us back way back then. Now we have the power of the Universe pushing us towards one another and forward in life. He broke down the 12 steps for me and was able to show me my character defects in a way no other person has been able to. He explained of powerlessness and told me of my responsibility and reward of giving what I have been freely given away to others that are just like I was. I still have the same sponsor and have moved on from my mentor. I still have respect, love, and appreciation for what he has shown me. He taught me how to move in the field of treatment and how to speak to others. Today I sit down at the table as a professional with other professionals all because someone believed in second chances. Second chances are paid for with people who do not make it and end up losing their life to addiction. I think of these things now every time the thought of drinking or using come up. It has been almost a year since I picked up drugs or alcohol and my life is completely changed. Then I felt nothing. Today I feel everything and that feels amazing.