My Mothers Hope

    

I was maybe no older then 2 when I remember sleeping outside over a heated vent with my Mother. Obviously I was too young to remember the circumstances but I can definitely remember the moment. My Mother was and always will be a mythical type superhero. She gave me hope on that that night. It was the first time I can remember that feeling. I knew I was going to be ok because at the time she was my Higher Power that I whole heartedly trusted in. Its funny how God uses people and intervenes through others to change your life or alter your course. She was a warrior and inspiration. Even in the darkness of my drug addiction I could hear her talking to me and yelling towards me to find a way to succeed in life. I knew if I lost my battle to drug addiction I would hurt many people especially her. She gave me light when I couldn't see. Her famous saying that her father passed on to her that she passed on to me was, " God's Favorites Always Have The Hardest Time". I believed her and I truly believe that having witnessed first hand what she had gone through then. Later in life surviving my own storms I had no choice but to believe.
       When your father is not around and  your mother has to make up for both sides it tends to be draining on the family. Things are missed that a second parent can add. Value is subtracted in the partnership of a family. My mothers courage and love extended even to my father . I would sometimes feel frustrated with him not being around and lose my shit on everyone. She would always reply with her patience and love when I was calm that my father still loved me. My Mother is wise and forgiving. She showed me how to love my Father. I do and always will love my Father. I cherish the talks and moments of endless laughter we now have. If it wasn't for her teachings and lessons of love I would have hatred in my heart that I sometimes see in others. I have never hated  anyone because of my Mother. Love kept me alive when heroin was trying to kill me.
      You are never too old to be a Son. Learning to be a son again when drug dealing and drug addiction warped my sense of reality was difficult. I first had to let go of the lie that my Mother just didn't understand. The truth to it all is that she did, she was just not going to put up with my shit. She gave me tough love. Like the time I told her I was selling cocaine and she should be proud of me that I am making money. She told me to not call her back until I stopped and that she was disgusted in my behavior. I hurt myself in doing so because I wasted time while wasting her time. In turn I hurt the one person I loved most in this world. Drug sickness perpetuates lies that we believe by convincing us that we hurt no one but ourselves. This is a perfect example of that lie. We didn't speak for a year. I was trying to live like Scarface while sleeping on a mat on a floor with nothing to show for my drug dealing except a major drug addiction. She never raised me like that and she was not going to start condoning it now. My mother has never stopped raising me and probably won't stop ever. For that I am grateful.
      Our conversations are different today. We speak like two people that have survived a war and now are living in what my friend Alex W. calls, " The Bonus Round of Life". I tell her about the marketing company I consult with 4D Recovery or my work I do with Detox of South Florida in Okeechobee. She tells me she is proud of me and then will offer up marketing ideas that we run over for hours. She is an amazing person with wisdom only earned through life's trials and tribulations. Then we get to more serious stuff like never allowing failure as a permanent entity in our lives. We practice mantras and affirmations over the phone for days when we start in on it. To be able to give her hope back that she gave me 31 years ago has been one of the many reasons I stayed sober for 6 years now and counting one day at a time. God used her back then to help me so in turn he could prep me to help her. God is good and life is beautiful that way. So if you are reading Mom I love you. I really wouldn't be me without you.