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Saturday, February 18, 2017

Should I quit getting high?

You need help and your not sure if you should ask for it! Why ask for help when things are going this well? I said the same thing to myself 8 years ago with  6 ounces of coke in my freezer and 500 Percocet in my closet. I was saying this to myself while rushing to a bathroom in a nightclub because I just shit my pants from detoxing.

I thought I could go without taking any pills that night . I couldn't. I shit my pants. Soon as I got into the stall I slowly pulled my pants down and I was disgusted. There was shit all over my legs and underwear. Bonus! My pants were untouched. While cleaning my legs off and stuffing my underwear in the toilet I felt lucky and fortunate. The thoughts of quitting went away while washing myself off with the toilet water. I got home that night. Took my  non-prescribed medication and washed the thoughts of doubt away. ( I'll get clean when things get bad)

Why get clean when I had all these things going for me? As long as my medication was here and the money was circulating all would be well. I was living on my friends floor, selling drugs out of his apartment, and feeling less than for squatting in someone's house. But feeling more than because I had the best coke connect in the city.  "Oh God", I had to be high. I didn't want to feel the guilt that I was feeling and frustration that I wasn't where I wanted to be in life. My goals and dreams did not match my reality whatsoever. I was 23 years old and the best it got was shitting my pants in the middle of a club because I was hooked on opiates.

Lets break it down. I was selling 9 ounces of coke a week, using whatever I had left over plus some, I kept a buffet style of narcotics on deck for barter and use, and my mother would not speak to me ever since I told her I was going to make it in life through drug sales. Rick Ross had just dropped the Port of Miami album . I thought I was going to be the Boss. So why quit? I was lonely and suicidal all the time. I hid it with a smile and fake laugh. Constantly using sarcasm to get me out of uncomfortable situations like answering , "If I was such a Boss, why am I still sleeping on the floor of my friends apartment"? Delusions of grandeur is the best way to describe that moment in life. I couldn't wake up from the shitty dream any sooner. Fuck it though. Why quit using drugs? After all I was just running into bad luck and the tides were going to turn on the next deal.

If you are questioning why you should quit using drugs and shitting your pants in public is not enough. Then you have problem. If waking up from a black out pissing on your grandmothers bedroom wall with her yelling for you to use the bathroom and your best answer is , " I am Nana". Then you have problem. If you think medication before parenting is the steps you take to start your morning, Then you have a problem. I am saying this from personal perspective. My life fucking sucked and I couldn't figure out what I had to let go of and what I had to hold on to in order to make it right. I was out of control. Sometimes I wish shitting my pants was the worst thing to happen to me but it wasn't. I felt lucky that night. My underwear and toilet water saved my night out on the town. I had a problem. Maybe you do as well. Trying to figure this out is a matter of life and death. Opiates really sank my life. Later turning to heroin use when the money ran out and the pills dried up.

Things are a lot more calm in my world today. My grandmother has passed , "God rest her soul". She was a saint for dealing with a grown teenager using her bedroom as a urinal. I haven't had a bowel movement in any place other then a toilet with the occasional pit stop in the woods if I am working a construction job. My dealer is out of my life now and has been for a very long time. My daughter comes first right after prayer in the morning. I quit when there was sufficient reason too. I was at rock bottom and had enough. My soul was broken and I no longer wished to die. I wanted to live and I needed help, so I asked. If you are not here yet it's going to be o.k. We will  be waiting for you when you are ready. Keep fighting and never give up. You matter!

So if you are wondering if you should quit using drugs? The answer is yes. Unless you like shitting your pants in public like I did. If that's what you choose , party on dude. Just remember (No one likes the smelly kid!)

1 comment:

  1. Shane, you are a definite example to many. Keep sharing your story. I wish my son was writing his to help others, like you are doing. Miss seeing you at the center. Keep up the good work. Hugs, susan