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Sunday, February 12, 2017

Suicide and a Bottle of Booze

I almost died of loneliness, depression, and the continuous thoughts of suicide. The drugs and booze no longer worked. I couldn't escape the emptiness that I was feeling. I don't know where it set in but I felt so alone and could not shake the feeling  no matter who I was with or  how much time I spent with them. Whether it be with guy friends or girlfriends I was lonely. Too afraid of what my guy friends would say, to proud to explain what I'm feeling to my girlfriend. I wasn't even sure I could explain it to people anyway because there was an absence I could not figure out. I remember standing on the caution line at the Train Station hearing the train honk for me to back up. I was too scared to kill myself and too afraid to live. I was Peter Pan constantly chasing my shadow. I couldn't stay in one place for too long. I hadn't grown up yet and I kept running away.

I was 18 and drinking every morning. I didn't think I was a drunk. I used to joke about being one but in all reality my vision of a drunk was a homeless person drinking from a bottle of whatever they could find. I had a home and a couch to sleep on at my aunts. I had free range to drink whenever I wanted and I did. I would show up to my job at the nursing home drunk thinking it was a challenge. Baileys Irish Crème and coffee seemed acceptable because people drink coffee in the morning. I would drink to chase the hangover away. I would drink for any good reason family, friends, sex, work, anxiety, and failure.  Not sure which hangover it was but one day I woke up  and started picturing my death. Suicide by hanging I figured was my answer. I was in so much pain and could not escape a single thought. I was going to hang myself from a basketball hoop up the street with orange extension cord. It was going to be a casual day of me leaving down the street for a little basketball by myself. Only this time I wasn't going to return. I planned this out for two weeks. The only thing that saved me from suicide was the thought of my Mother and how I would hurt her.

The plan didn't go off as I thought it would. I ended up walking into my families living room and told them they were all drunks and that I was leaving. I packed immediately and headed to another friends couch. By now I was training for a silver medal in couch surfing. I was getting pretty fucking good at being a vagrant and running from things. I still could not shake the fact I wanted to kill myself. It was  my first sobering thought it had  scared me so much so I slowed down on my drinking for a while.  I know I hurt my family and deflected on to them. Still to this day I have not been able to make that amends to them. If any of them are reading this I want you all to know I love you and I was the one struggling at the time. It was all an 18 year alcoholic could come up with. I didn't know alcohol or drugs were hurting me and that I was the problem.

When I first got clean I was sitting in treatment and a friend gave me my first prayer to say. I would repeat this prayer all day long . I would say I need help staying away from a drink, drug, and bad relationship. Like all newcomers in recovery I stopped praying for the 3rd thing 7 months in.  I learned quick why you wait a year in recovery before getting into relationships. Fortunately I stayed sober through that and a lot of other amazing ups and downs in my life. The biggest up has been the relationship with my daughter who I had given up while actively using. I would have to say the biggest down is the continuous loss of friends to opiates. Its crushing every time it happens. Through it all though I have stayed sober. Now the only surfing I do is channel surfing on my own couch. I do not think of suicide and if I do it is in a past tense. No longer apart of my day to day life. I owe that to recovery and the thousands of people I have met in the past 6 years.

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