Getting my life back to get back to you

I hope you when you get  to read this you will you will understand. That by the time you understand you never had to struggle the way I did before you were born. You are my best friend and my guiding light. My struggle with addiction took everything away from me including you. I lost myself so there was no way I could have kept you. I had a mantra when I was high , " I gotta get back to Sadie". I would repeat it over and over. Before you were born I didn't have much worth or a good reason to live. Then you came, it was shocking and scary similar to hitting the brakes in your car at 100 mph. I didn't want you to get in the way of my world of drugs,  drinking, drug dealing, and recklessness. Reality hit the day you came into the world. I ran to the bathroom and cried for myself without cutting the umbilical cord.. I was detoxing that day and felt sorry for myself. I knew I had to get clean. I just didn't know how, I had no answer for my destructive appetite.
        The courts gave me my first solution believe it or not. I was arrested on drug possession and intent to distribute. There in my first bout of sobriety I discovered you. This adorable little 9 month year old baby that was just infatuated with me and had such and infectious smile. I would come home head to the fridge , close it and there you would be. We had a routine of love and play. Those 6 months of sobriety gave me hope during 3 more years of drug abuse. It was such a paradox. Why would I trade such love and happiness for darkness and loneliness? I never discovered the solution that would later give me 6 years in Recovery during those 6 months of sobriety.
         I wish I could explain in detail what happened or how it happened but it was slow and painful. Its funny my sobriety has been slow and painful to haha. But I haven't lost you since. You are in the other room on your tablet and I am writing this for us. You give and gave me hope. There are get too's and got too's  my pastor tells me. The things we got to do in life in order to get to do certain things. I had to surrender and get help in order to get you back in my life. We sometimes got to give up what kills us in so we can get to a solution that heals us. As a father I hope you will understand if we never met maybe this solution wouldn't have meant what it does. My gratitude towards you is through the continuous action I have taken to never go back . My spelling might not be the best and grammar might be off. You might correct this years from now, but being a Dad has been perfect for me.