Panick Attacks, Recovery, and Sneakers

       

          I get panic attacks and cannot figure out where they start. All I know is that they do and when they do I feel as if I am drowning. I can't breathe I don't know why its happening and I just wish people weren't around me when I do. Its at these moments I have traded drugs for reality and sometimes understand why I medicated and abused drugs so much. I am also grateful today that I don't medicate over such things anymore. Instead of falling asleep to the problem I wake up and seek why it is happening. Recently while talking to my therapist she mentioned something to me I felt but had no clue how to verbalize. Before I get into that I am going to try my best to break down what I was thinking before I walked into Champs sneaker store and damn near ran out of the place two minutes after entering because of a panic attack. The first thing that hit me was my fear of financial insecurity. I am far from rich but I am not poor either. Growing up very poor created a fear  I have today  of living like that once again. I do not know how to be comfortable with or without money. I mean I wanted a pair of sneakers and had enough to afford it but still I was crippled with this insecurity. So instead of recognizing , processing, and maybe just telling myself it will be ok I pushed it down. Strike one.
       Then comes my natural insecurities of myself that I believe we all carry as humans. Some more aware then others but there is a common thread there as people. That is sometimes our biggest downfalls as humans. Self-awareness. I definitely have it. Recently I gained weight from tearing my rotator cuff. I am heavier then I ever have been and not too happy or confident about it. My natural thought process was everyone is going to see the part of me that I don't like and I won't be able to get away from their eyes. I was judging myself for what I looked like instead of measuring myself for the character I have. This is an irrational thought that my sub-conscious passes off to me as the truth and sometimes it is hard to tell what is real and what is fake. There is a line that I love in Alcoholics Anonymous that states, " although we admit it injurious we cannot differentiate the true from the false". They were talking about alcohol. What I really feel like is they are talking about the state of mind  before we pick up the drink . Or in my case the panic attack that came with these thoughts. Instead of processing this irrational thought I pushed it down and kept walking towards Champs. Strike two.
         I struggle with complexes of others I perceive as  being better then me. The struggle came from seeking attention when I was younger . I always felt in competition with stepfathers and other men in my house. So I sought and starved for attention in many forms. To this day although I do not like to always talk about it I believe it is important to express these thoughts because I know I am not alone anymore with these feelings and struggles. Right before entering Champs my mind started perpetuating stories of men in there being better then me. That they were more worthy of the women I love and that maybe one day I would lose her to someone like this. There was no specific face just a variable. These people represent X in my panic attack equation. My confidence was shot and I was already struggling from suppressing the other insane irrational thoughts I was having. I said, " why not?". Lets not deal with this one either. Strike 3. I was out and whiffed hard at the curveball. My subconscious had won without ever telling me one good thing about myself or the truth about my situation. I was in full blown panic mode. My anxiety was horrible. I couldn't stand still. I hated myself and everyone around me from the way I looked to the way they sounded and I could not tell you why. Needless to say I made it out of that store shortly after without buying anything.
               This is my story and a true story. Shortly after feeling like I was drowning I walked over to my girlfriend and told her the truth. I just simply said I am having a panic attack. I didn't know why then but later figured it out with a professional and now I am able to explain it to you. Therapy helps for moments like these and many more. I don't always have a cure for what plagues me but as long as it does not kill me I will remain proactive in trying to find a solution. Anxiety and panic attacks are real and usually brought on by inside problems that we project to outside situations. I didn't have social anxiety although I would say at the moment I did. It started with me. All I wanted to do was sit in my chair and lay back at that moment and calm down. I couldn't I was in Time Square in Champs sneaker store trying to just buy a pair of sneakers. If you struggle like I do I suggest you take the suggestion of self care. It may help you actually buy a pair of sneakers like I couldn't. Or see the world through  different lenses finally. There is beauty in my anxiety I just have to be brave enough to discover it. My therapist explained that before I even walked into that store I was being attacked by all these self destructive entities my subconscious had created. I was floored by the description but in total agreement.