Growing up I have heard and witnessed a number of things that set people off in the wrong way. From my experience wording can mean the difference between a hug and or being thrown across a room crashing into whatever objects might be in your trajectory. Some men don't like being called ( Punk, Bitch, Coward, Asshole). Growing up it was loser for me. The other words don't bother me so much. Sometimes I like being and asshole. Addiction had made me a coward . I ran and hid from all my responsibilities especially being a father. The other two words are just whatever for me. I couldn't stand the word Loser though it cut so damn deep and damn near defined me before I even knew myself. My Moms mother would call me it weekly sometimes daily . Was I a loser? How could I be? What I survived by 9 might destroy someone forever. I had such a chip on my shoulder but I would not give in on myself and my situation I clashed with that word more then anything else. I was a survivor of child abuse I witnessed domestic abuse . I slept outside with my mother when I was young from homelessness and the struggles my mother went through. I was victorious over my circumstances. But now I had to survive this word. It tore into me and I am not sure if it was because who it came from. Or what it meant to me. I was alive I was young. I have been aware but maybe not understanding everything since 3. I can remember coming into the house at the foster home I was living and peeing my pants from holding it from a long walk. I was waiting for the bathroom and couldn't hold it. Next thing I know I am being yanked up by my arm into the air while he slid his belt off his waste and beat me with it. I remember the fear at the table with not knowing my prayers before meals. So to be called a loser I felt took away from everything I lived through and prided myself on surviving. The foster home was the beginning but definitely not the end.
If you have survived to this point and identify with this story. Know it is a true story and you are not a loser or any of the lies we perpetuate to ourselves or others press upon us. We are warriors meant to transform the status quo. To create a safe pathway for those without a voice. You are a winner and a champion of trauma. Domestic violence and child abuse have no room in my life and I do not tolerate it around me and I do not pass it on to my child. She will know that she matters. I can remember her and I walking one day and we are cracking jokes back and forth. She was walking behind me and said, " You are a loser". At that moment I paused but did not let her see it effected me. But it did. I am not sure If I will ever fully escape the stigma of that word but you can be for certain I am going to help others that struggle in the same fashion. So I turned to her and explained that I do not like that word and that nobody is a loser. Its hard to explain to her that her Great Grandmother was cruel in that sense. If she reads this when she gets older I want her to know that this is my truth. This is my life that I survived and that you will face many wars in your life. Don't ever give up on yourself and know that if it wasn't for you I might have. You came at a time when I was at my lowest. I survived it to become the father I always wanted to be for you. Neither you nor I or anyone for that matter will ever be losers. This is a cold world that can eat you alive if you let it. So make the best of it and bring light and love to the ones around you. Be the light for the others that become lost and need to find their way home. Just like you were the light for me when I drifted into the deep. Be a winner like a Boss. Be the champion of all your challenges in your life. Impossible cannot be spelled without the word possible.
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