Before we were Roses: There was no God

I can remember kneeling beside my bed with my mother praying for the craziest shit. My main wish was to fly like Superman. I have always had an infatuation with complete freedom. I felt like if I could fly then then no doubt I would have what I prayed for. So I tried jumping off everything in my house only to land of the corner of every coffee table we have ever had eyes first . Later I would do crazier things like have my friend intentionally hit me with his car so I could roll off like a stuntman. On the first take he messed up the recording and was driving too fast. I smashed up my leg pretty but the show had to go on. This time I was determined to fly and so I did. Right through his windshield. He was so upset . Secretly I was so happy I landed the stunt the second time flawlessly.

         When my father tried having a talk with me about God I had told him , " F-God". He doesn't exist. I was 18 years old, pissed off and had the world figured out. I thought he might laugh or joke with me but he was adamant about me finding a some sort of faith. I was great at avoiding and running counters to get away from what I felt was not a good fit for me. To me there was no God. If he existed I wouldn't have had to deal with the life I had to that point. By 18 I had gone through physical abuse as well as witness my mother go through it. We had experienced true poverty trying to heat the house with the stove because we couldn't afford oil. The beginning of the school year was always difficult . While other kids came in with name brands we used to have to wait for the welfare school allowance that went towards all three of us. Trust me 1800 for an entire school year does not go very far for a single mother with 3 kids. I would get bullied in school for my attire. It was so traumatic to be made to feel different when you already had struggles at home. So to me if there was a God , why the fuck would he put me and my family through this shit.

            You can imagine how the religious intervention went. I am laughing now thinking about it. I can't remember if they were Mormons or Jehovah Witness. They came to my door after one of our blasphemous talks. My father told them to come back another day to speak to me or to perform and exorcism , one of the two. I was not made aware of this secret plan until a week later 5 minutes before their arrival so ran out the door literally and hid behind the house until they left. My agnostic behavior lasted well into my 20's. I would only pray to God when I had reached a new low in my life like being arrested for masked armed robbery. I put on a ski mask and robbed the local convenience store like an asshole. I got caught and landed in county jail for the first time. I was terrified my first night. God and I had a long talk that day.  Then found that I enjoyed it and totally forgot that I was asking for his help 2 days before to get me out of my situation. I was around people like me being fed for free without a care in the world. That is the problem with jail there is more less rehabilitation then you think. When you are used to struggling and getting high having the struggle for a bed and a bag, pill, or drink and now someone is offering you free room and board. You get comfortable real quick.   heavier moments when I would shoot a bag of heroin just before bed. My breathing would slow and I would wonder if I was going to die. How my daughter is going to grow up without me. That if God could just make sure I wasn't going to die I would change my life tomorrow. It was always tomorrow and yet God still loved me for all the lies I told. All the promises I never kept. For all the mistakes I made and I was going to make. God did exist . My mother still tells me today that Gods favorites always have the hardest times. If you are struggling I hope you make it through the pain and storm to discover this for yourself.