Im An Addict with Anxiety

Staying in the moment has been one of the most difficult things to do. I suffer from anxiety and fear. I create worlds that I cannot control and then my emotions lose control. My anxiety kicks up. My chest thumps and my body starts to hurt. The fear is to me is what I have tried to run from or avoid my entire life. Fear of failure or not being good enough. Being abandoned or lied to and only find out last minute or if I am the last to know. All these uncontrolled emotions I allow dictate my decisions and daily outcomes when I am not present and stuck in a perpetual state of negativity. Its a carousel of mixed feelings with no direction or solution. Then there is what I like to call the " Ultimate Pause". That moment the anxiety subsides or fear is conquered by confidence. Insecurity is overridden with that sure fire feeling that I am a good person. Daily routine starts again the chase is once again on. The answers to my problems start to flow. I am myself again. The laughter is back, I can cry and feel again. I'm loving and connected with everyone that is around me. My faith in my Higher Power is renewed. This is the cycle that I am challenged with everyday. I got so damn high on drugs and drunk over these feelings. I felt I could focus more and be a better friend and lover. I was a better worker and family member. Being a father was awesome as long as I could get high first. I was medicating for the problems I face everyday even after I put the drugs and booze down. The chemical solution was no better. In fact chemicals gave me wings and then took away my sky. I have a disease, disorder, mental problems, spiritual disconnect, bad sense of judgment, crappy morals, whatever you want to call it. There is something wrong. There is no cure but there are solutions and self-help. Affirmations have been big for me. Prayer has been my foundation. There are so many other answers aside from getting high and drunk. If my emotions took me away from myself then destroyed me just like drugs do. What the hell is the point to continue to get high? That where addiction and common sense separate. Common sense would say stop before you cross that line. Addiction will convince you there is no line until you cross it. To be present at all times is a true gift. Drugs along with abstinence can be spiritual experiences. Only I have discovered that one has a finite power and the other seems to be endless.