Before we were Roses: Like Father, Like Son

          I was 8 when my father came in the house and told me, " Buddy I gotta go. I'll be back". He was leaving for Florida for the next 10 years I didn't know it and I am not sure he did either. He had his demons to face . Mine were not here yet.  All I can remember is crying. He was in and out a lot already. Later all I remember is being hurt and fucking pissed off. That was also the last time we spoke till I was 18. My father was a mystery to me growing up. People had their opinions and tried to mold mine. Love is what kept me from forming an opinion before we really got to know each other.  I lived this double life though. People were nasty when discussing my father in front of me they would tell me horrible stories about this man when I was a kid. My mother who probably had the biggest reasons to be angry and  hardly ever bad mouthed him and always reminded me that he loved me. Especially those moments where my grandmother would trash him or call me a loser just like he is until I folded into tears in front of her. My mother is such an amazing women. Knowing all the struggles she has been through and what she has had to shield us from  even at those moments you see light shine through her.
           As an adult and a parent we have to learn how to filter what we say to kids or we risk adding trauma to an already fragile mind. We should not share with children things we do not have resolved as adults. That's just what happened though. So I had this struggle. I thought I had to hate him to fit in with the adults that would bad mouth him in front of me when I was kid. Secretly I never stopped loving or missing my father. I learned how to hide my feelings and fit in even though emotionally I was so uncomfortable.
            That bond between a parent and child needs to be formed between those two and those to only. That is why it is also important for the parent to stay around so the child's perception of him is of consistent unconditional love. I have worked on that relationship with my daughter and my father has started working on that with me. We both have to meet each other all the way. It takes work. Being a parent is a challenge. If you don't want someone else molding and shaping your child's mind. It is best to be there through any and all conditions. To be able to write about my father is an honor. This is not a bashing of the man who created me. He is apart of my story from rock bottom to recovery. I am a survivor by every means. The things in my life should have ended me 10 times over. But they haven't I am here and my father is too. We watch football every Sunday and cry laughing  while saying the most inappropriate jokes and we can cry with each other about anything. There is nothing this man does not know about me. That's what a father is supposed to be. Everything happened on Gods time and that is ok with the both of us. Just like this man my absence as a parent occurred with my own daughter...
But that's another story for another page.