Before we were Roses:3

Before we were Roses:
This is what it feels like when you know something is wrong with you but you can't describe it. Its as if luck ran out on you before you had a chance. I was always taught not to say much because of fear the DCF would take us back to a foster. They attacked my mother for being young and irresponsible while protecting the physically abusive foster father. Their reasoning was that he was a Firefighter and under a lot of stress. " Congrats asshole, you made my resentment list". So I learned to say nothing even when things were wrong in fear I would be sent back there. They took me from imperfection only to place me in true brokenness. Who the fuck could I trust? I never had a healthy outlet. I was introduced to pornography, theft, and breaking and entering by 9 years old. All three played a roll in warping my perception and mind. I stole everything from stores to houses. Anything I wanted I would take. There would be so much fear and then a sense of gratitude once I got it. Similar to when I would shoot heroin. I would fear for my life then get such a sense of ease and accomplishment once I was high. Pornography really destroyed a lot for me. I had a twisted perception of how sex and relationships were meant to be. On one hand I wanted to get married and have a wife. On the other I was extremely sexualized before hitting puberty. I couldn't focus in school I obsessed about sex not even knowing what the fuck it was. So when I got older my expectations and perception of how sex should be lacked true enjoyment. Its like my mind is always at a tug of war. I hear some say they don't think of anything while having sex. I wish it was like that. I could recite a newspaper in my head at times. I couldn't escape. Unless I was totally drunk off my ass and on the precipice of a black out. There in that moment I felt totally free from insecurity and thought. I felt power and control of my own actions. The only problem is I couldn't reenact the same magic the next day when I was sober. I was back in my shell with sarcasm and a smile to hide my problems. I became very suicidal being trapped inside myself further adding to my problems now was a vicious binge drinking habit I had formed by 18.