Before we were Roses:The power of Affirmations

One of the most difficult struggles I had growing up was with my Grandmother. She spent the majority of her time at my mothers house favoring my sisters. Especially one specifically. I am grateful for how she was with her. We all need that once person to love us unconditionally. They are still best friends to this day and I love it. I can't pinpoint where it started between my grandmother and I but it was difficult. She would tell me, " You're going to be a loser just like your fucking father". That kind of talk was on repeat. I struggled even though my father wasn't around I missed him and loved him. I still love him and always will. I never thought he was a loser. I thought I was. There was always two types of Christmas on the same day. The Christmas my grandmother would put on for the girls. Then the Christmas she would give me. I would cry from the lack of thought and gift. The girls and my mother would console me but it would hurt. Yes its not always about the gift but the thought. But as a kid you equate lack of everything with lack of love or that you are different and not good enough. I am stronger today and love my grandmother. I never got a true answer as to why it was like that but she gave me a real apology that brought us both to tears. I forgave her when I went to go make amends with her after I got clean. When negative affirmations are repeated to you daily you buckle to that and believe it. I had to go through pain and fight like hell in order to reverse that.
It started with a man named Dave. When we met I was fresh into my Recovery and told him right away , " there is only one thing I don't like and its to be called a loser". So of course as we grew close while he taught to overcome my problems he would answer my calls with " What's Up Loser". I would laugh . He stripped away the stigma of it and I took it less serious. He would teach me to look in the  mirror and repeat affirmations. At first I would laugh or think it was a joke. It started to change me. I started seeing things for what they are including the word loser. It was just a word. Affirmations and prayer work when you practice them. Dave could tell if I wasn't practicing by the way I would perform on that day. If I was insecure, negative, or overly-emotional he could tell and call me on it. I had that accountability. I would hit the reset and start the day over with those affirmations. At one point you have to start believing in what you say to yourself. I call it "When head meets Heart". Once that connection occurs whatever your mantra is its going to change and alter your life. If you call yourself a loser you sure as heck are going to experience losses and struggles like the world was built to defeat you. I know I have and experienced complete destruction when I woke up in the back of a car . It was the only place I had to sleep. I was homeless. If you tell yourself , " Be Positive, You are a Good Shit, You can and will be Successful". Things start to take place in the world. Your energy is attracting what you need around you. The world conspires to help you. You have to seek it though. Whatever that maybe. Most of what makes up the word extraordinary is ordinary. It has to start somewhere. Where it ends is up too you.