Before we were Roses: The summer I found God

     

Find your inspiration. Its all around you from the music you listen to the mentors that surround you. A pastor is a perfect example of a mentor for me. Before meeting one of my Pastors I was on a very downward spiral while sober at the same time. This is a dangerous spot to be in. Where you get to a point and you are saying to yourself, " If I am this miserable sober, what is the point of staying sober? I was broken once again by my own actions I didn't have drinking or drugging for an excuse as to why I was in the situation. What was I going to do now? I was depressed and emotionally all over the place. I had spent the previous 3 and half years finding myself only to lose myself once again consciously. So then comes one of my friends. Those type that always compete with you in everything but to seem to have your back more then anyone. A perfect example when we used to be in this class for troubled youth together we would compete with one another to get our teacher to verbally commit to who she loved more. She would never answer it in one of our favors but we never let up either. Then it would come time for war. If it was 16 on 2 and there  he would be no way to win. He was still right next to you or leading the pack because if you were with him. You were with him and that was that.
          So here we were once again and I wanted to be left alone. He wanted me to get better.  He saw that my spirit was sick and kept mentioning to me to start believing in a new faith in which he had found. At first it started off with prayer. What I didn't know is that he was reaching out to the Pastors at the church and praying for me to get there for over a year. Then he would nag me to go and I would refuse. Eventually we verbally fought over him wanting me to be open minded and just attend and me wanting to be left alone. I thought I was well. The problem is the Devil will tell you 100 truths about yourself just to slip in one lie. That lie was that I didn't need any more then what I had when it came to faith. I believed in the basics and up until that point that was perfectly fine with me. Or so I thought. What was he seeing that I didn't in me? What was it that he found that I hadn't yet? These questions were burning inside me and I was burning up with anger that once again he was competing with me and I was losing. Not realizing I was competing within myself and kicking my own ass. Understanding that I am going to be the hardest opponent I have to face all day is easier said then done. Sometimes its best to just get out of my own way.
          Reluctantly I gave in. Mike if you are reading this you didn't win and you will never. In all honestly from the past we both had together and separately to what we have become is the impossible becoming possible. Recently he got married , has two children, and a rescue pitbull we shared together named Nina. He is tucked away safe from the chaos we used to bring on ourselves. He is clean and not the person anyone remembers . All due to the Grace of God. I started to change in this new fellowship. At first I was listening and then out the door the minute it was over. No stopping for conversations or small talk. I didn't want to be asked personal things and I wasn't ready to share. I hurt so bad inside , I was going through so much. I decided to get active quietly or so I thought. The funny thing is when you reach out to God for help it does not always come quietly. Sometimes the Universe seems to conspire to help you. Suddenly I found myself immersed in a new belief and a new family.
         The message came to me so much clearer then I have ever experienced before until that point.  Still I was broken and I needed an answer to the one question that frightened me the most. If I have already sinned then what is the point in changing my ways now? Pastor John had a very simple but most impactful answer for me. He said, " God already forgives you for your past sins and the sins you are going to commit". What he explained was that the point is to recognize these things repent or change your ways and continue bettering your life and those around you. Ok the answer was not that simple but the message was divine. Mike's push brought me there through his faith. If reading this and you think , " Oh he must not think he sins now". Wrong I know I do but it renews my faith to understand no matter how far gone I feel there is someone that already knows my story and loves me when I cannot love myself. Having a mentor with me as I try to grasp and learn this new way of life has been valuable to my growth. If you are struggling with lack of  inspiration, pain, addiction, depression, or whatever it might be. If you find yourself lost in a crowd of people.  Find yourself a mentor. Mine was a pastor. Yours might be different. Just don't pass on the opportunity when the universe presents itself to you. You were not made to feel alone. Especially if Adam had Eve.  It could be the most important decision you will ever make in your life. I know mine was and still is it is infinite love and power that I have discovered not mine but loaned to me for the price of service, worship , and prayer.